It’s week three of my “what the fuck were you thinking when you wrote your dating app bio and/or used that photo?” Consider this my continuing public service to you. Or at least a good chuckle if you’re not on dating apps. I’ll put a link to the first two weeks at the bottom so I don’t have to repeat my “we don’t want to see dead animals” rant for the third week in a row. Plus, you get to enjoy the “mommy milkers” guy.
Let’s start with a photo this week. It is the only thing on this guy’s profile, and I’m not sure why this is supposed to be enticing…
So, I’m not sure if this guy thinks he’s Gene Simmons and we’re supposed to be impressed by his tongue, but this a very emphatic hell no.
Next up, my friend Suzanne seemed to have a crop of men confused about how old they are. Is the birth date portion of signing up for the dating app confusing?
Let’s discuss the second guy, shall we? If you’re not 29, how old are you? If you’re graduating from college in 2025, HOW OLD ARE YOU? Are you in high school? Why are you on this app if you’re in high school?
Next up, these ringing endorsements.
At this point continuing to read smutty romance novels with book boyfriends and an adult toy sounds like a better plan, but thanks though.
This guy knows he’s shallow, but also won’t judge you…
Does that even work? Can you be both shallow yet non-judgy? Don’t two shallows make the douche-iest couple ever?
And, now we’ll move on to the crazy. As in, these gents are actually crazy.
So you’re a charming psychopath wanting to dissect girls? But you like a soothing voice? Do you like to hear the soothing voice before you dissect…the…you know what, nevermind. Just, RUN AWAY!!
Nope. Nope. RUN! RUN AWAY!!
How any of these folks actually expect any willing women to swipe right or click “like” on them is beyond me. Ask your best female friend for help. We love this shit and will help you write the best profile and find your best photos so the ladies don’t think you’re a damn psycho, narcissist, or you’re at least normal enough to get a date.
Thank you to Suzanne and Stephanie for continuing to share the ridiculousness.
Here’s the links to the first two blogs: